Joshua Went Home Today

Today was probably the most emotionally challenging day of my life. I want to document things I haven't written a lot about so that I can remember.

June 12th, 2010 Joshua David Prior was born.

A tear in Joshua's umbilical cord (something we found out later was caused by an anurism in one of the blood vessels of his umbilical cord) left our cute little boy deprived of blood and oxygen. He was born without a heartbeat and had lost over half the blood in his body. The NICU team at St. Jospehs and UMC did an incredible job of resuscitating him, but his body was struggling. Joshua was placed on a cooling blanket in hopes of minimizing the trauma to his brain and other organs, but unfortunately too much damage had already been done.

For 7 days Chad and I watched as different drugs, and machines were used to try and keep Joshua alive. Somedays we would see numbers that looked better then the day before, or hear news that seemed more hopeful then expected, but the fact remained that Joshua still wasn't showing any signs of being able to function on his own.

After 4 days of being off the cooling blanket and all paralytics Joshua still wasn't moving. His brain was damaged and he was constantly having seizures inspite of the 3-5 different medicines he was on to control them. In addition to all this, his kidneys had failed him and his body filled with fluid. His liver that was at one point looking better by last night had started to fail him as well. Joshua couldn't breath without a ventilator, and his heart couldn't beat without 3 different medicines. All of the things they were using to help sustain his life had spent 7 days accumulating inside his little body, and because of his inability to secrete urine, he was becoming more and more bloated.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Chad had talked with me about discontinuing life support, but I couldn't face the idea of it. Around 2 am I went into Josh's room and sat down with him. I talked to the nurse who was working that night about everything Josh was experiencing. Then I talked to Joshua. I began to understand that I needed to let Joshua go. For the first time in days I felt peace.
As morning came we discussed Joshua's situation with the doctors and decided that it was time to discontinue support. Our parents and children came into a private room with Joshua, and I was able to hold him for the first time. Each child took turns saying goodbye while Joey played with Josh's toes. Joshua stopped breathing even before his ventilator was taken out.

At 10:13 am Saturday June 19th Joshua David Prior went home.
I never would have imagined that the little boy who couldn't stop doing somersaults in my tummy and who was developing perfectly would only have one week here on earth to spend with us. I only hope that he knows how much I love him. I never saw him move or open up his eyes, but I am grateful Chad had that opportunity when he was first born.

There were moments, although brief when I knew that he knew I was there. I am grateful to have had a few days with my cute little boy, and I am grateful for the incredible calm that I was able to feel as we let Joshua go. I felt in my heart and in my mind Joshua telling me, "It's okay mom, thank you."

To all of you who have fasted and prayed for our family, Thank you. We could not have made it through this incredibly challenging time without you. We love you all and look forward to one day seeing our cute little boy again.