Distractions

After Joshua's burial, Chad and I felt the need to get away for awhile so we drove to California. The beach has always been therapeutic for us. Maybe it is the feeling of familiarity or the reminder that our lives and challenges are small in comparison to the universe and it's vast complexities. Either way, the beach continues to be a great distraction for our family.

To our complete astonishment we arrived at my parents home Tuesday night and were met with an outpouring of love from family and friends. As a result, we were able to do a lot of things with our kids that we would not have been able to do otherwise. We still spent three out of the five days we were there at the beach, but we were also able to have some much needed mommy/daughter and father/son time.

I know that there isn't a magic wand out there that can take away all of the sadness, but it helps to have so many of you praying for our family and offering words of comfort. Thank you. We love you all.

Resting Place

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

we laid Joshua to rest at the Bing-Hampton Cemetary in Tucson, AZ.

In the presense of family, and a few close friends, we said our final goodbyes.

I've never been a huge fan of dirt and rocks, just ask my husband, but yesterday I thought this cute desert cemetary was the most beautiful place on earth. Joshua's resting place is next to his cousin Jenny who died 3 years ago in 2007. It gives me comfort to know that he is with family.

It's hard to find words to express all of the emotions you feel on a day like this. Loosing a child is somthing you don't ever hope for anyone. It's easy to question why any of this had to happen, but the one thing I've learned is that each day is a gift. Things that seemed important to me just 2 weeks ago, are not the same things I focus on today. Family is everything, Love is everything, and God is over all. I know that. I've always known that, but now I understand.

Words can not express our grattitude to all of you for your kind words, and generous offerings. We have been amazed by the incredible amount of love we have felt from each of you, and all of the prayers offered on our behalf. Thank you beyond words. We love you all.

Joshua Went Home Today

Today was probably the most emotionally challenging day of my life. I want to document things I haven't written a lot about so that I can remember.

June 12th, 2010 Joshua David Prior was born.

A tear in Joshua's umbilical cord (something we found out later was caused by an anurism in one of the blood vessels of his umbilical cord) left our cute little boy deprived of blood and oxygen. He was born without a heartbeat and had lost over half the blood in his body. The NICU team at St. Jospehs and UMC did an incredible job of resuscitating him, but his body was struggling. Joshua was placed on a cooling blanket in hopes of minimizing the trauma to his brain and other organs, but unfortunately too much damage had already been done.

For 7 days Chad and I watched as different drugs, and machines were used to try and keep Joshua alive. Somedays we would see numbers that looked better then the day before, or hear news that seemed more hopeful then expected, but the fact remained that Joshua still wasn't showing any signs of being able to function on his own.

After 4 days of being off the cooling blanket and all paralytics Joshua still wasn't moving. His brain was damaged and he was constantly having seizures inspite of the 3-5 different medicines he was on to control them. In addition to all this, his kidneys had failed him and his body filled with fluid. His liver that was at one point looking better by last night had started to fail him as well. Joshua couldn't breath without a ventilator, and his heart couldn't beat without 3 different medicines. All of the things they were using to help sustain his life had spent 7 days accumulating inside his little body, and because of his inability to secrete urine, he was becoming more and more bloated.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Chad had talked with me about discontinuing life support, but I couldn't face the idea of it. Around 2 am I went into Josh's room and sat down with him. I talked to the nurse who was working that night about everything Josh was experiencing. Then I talked to Joshua. I began to understand that I needed to let Joshua go. For the first time in days I felt peace.
As morning came we discussed Joshua's situation with the doctors and decided that it was time to discontinue support. Our parents and children came into a private room with Joshua, and I was able to hold him for the first time. Each child took turns saying goodbye while Joey played with Josh's toes. Joshua stopped breathing even before his ventilator was taken out.

At 10:13 am Saturday June 19th Joshua David Prior went home.
I never would have imagined that the little boy who couldn't stop doing somersaults in my tummy and who was developing perfectly would only have one week here on earth to spend with us. I only hope that he knows how much I love him. I never saw him move or open up his eyes, but I am grateful Chad had that opportunity when he was first born.

There were moments, although brief when I knew that he knew I was there. I am grateful to have had a few days with my cute little boy, and I am grateful for the incredible calm that I was able to feel as we let Joshua go. I felt in my heart and in my mind Joshua telling me, "It's okay mom, thank you."

To all of you who have fasted and prayed for our family, Thank you. We could not have made it through this incredibly challenging time without you. We love you all and look forward to one day seeing our cute little boy again.

Praying for Pee.

It is amazing how basic bodily functions have become our entire focus this last week. The problem we have to face right now is that Joshua's kidneys are in renal failure. He is having a hard time peeing, and as a result he has collected so much water in his body that we are starting to really get nervous. So we are praying for pee.

It is difficult waiting for Joshua's body to begin functioning. His heart and liver are doing better, but he still hasn't shown any sign of spontaneous movement and his kidneys are really struggling. Our fear is that they will shut down all together.

We are learning rather quickly that Joshua's life is in the Lord's hands. We pray for His will, but if that includes recovery, we pray for Josh's kidneys to begin functioning.

Again I would like to thank all of you for your prayers and kind words. They are a blessing to us as we face a roller coaster of emotions. We are so grateful to have all of you in our lives. Thanks again.

Sometimes Life Changes Everything

I am amazed at how my thoughts and prayers have changed over the past few days. Joshua is a very special little boy. He has so many challenges ahead of him. We desperately need his kidneys and lungs to start functioning. He has swelled up like a little marshmallow boy, but if he can overcome these obstacles there are neurological issues as well.

Today Joshua had his MRI. After a dismal CT scan and the potential for total devastation, I was so happy to hear that his injuries, although serious, were not all encompassing. Joshua has damage along the sides of his brain which typically means that he will have cerebral palsy. We don't know to what extent his motor abilities or cognitive capacity will be effected, but we know that this will be the most likely outcome.

I can't tell you how happy I was to hear this. If forced to choose between loosing a child and having a child with special needs, I've learned that I would choose a special needs child any day. I watched a young girl walk down the hall with her baby that had passed away and I realized that there are definitely others who have had worse challenges then I have. I feel so blessed that further damage was not identified. Having said this, his body still needs to heal or we may still loose him, but at least we have hope that he can have a life even if that life is a difficult one.

We appreciate your prayers, and continue to need them. Thank you for all of your thoughts and kind words. They help us at moments when we struggle. We love you all and will continue to keep you posted as more information is available.

Joshua

My mom is trying to keep this blog updated, but I thought I would add a few thoughts while I have a minute. It is interesting to think from time to time how you might handle some of life's great challenges. The one thing I've learned is that there isn't any way that you can prepare your emotions for the task.

The past few days have been a roller coaster. Joshua's umbilical cord had a tear in it and so after going through full labor (without an epidural) we had to stop and do an emergency C-section during the pushing phase. As a result of the tear, Joshua lost a lot of blood and his heart wasn't beating when he was delivered.

The loss of blood caused multiple organs to begin to fail. They drove him over to the NICU at University Medical center, where they have cooled his body temperature and paralyzed him in hopes of regaining function in his little body.

The Joshua of the Old Testament had to have courage, strength and faith in the Lord. He learned that with the help of the Lord impossible things could happen.

Every day right now is a new challenge. We have good moments and bad ones. For every step forward there are at times three steps we take backwards, but I am writing this today, because things for the first time have looked better. Joshua has a lot of fluid in his body, which has caused him to swell up quite a bit. His kidneys have started to work, but if we can get them to improve, then some of the problems associated with the excess fluid could be corrected. His heart is looking better then it ever has and his lungs are doing okay.

This afternoon they will do a brain scan. This is probably one of the more worrisome things because of all the excess fluid. We are hoping that his brain and organs will fully recover, but there is high probability of brain damage. We keep praying for miracles but are grateful for each step that we can take in the right direction.

Thank you for your prayers. We feel them and appreciate the effect they are having on our family. We will keep you posted. Hopefully more good news will follow. We are so thankful for helping hands and the presence of the Lord in our lives. I don't know how we could go through this experience without Him. We love you all, and thanks again for everything.

Baby Joshua

We had a surprise this weekend when our little baby boy decided to come 5 weeks earlier than we expected. After an emergency c-section, Joshua David Prior was born at 6:56 a.m. on June 12th. He weighs 6 pounds 3 ounces and is 21 inches long. However, shortly after he was born, he was driven over to the NICU at University Medical Center in Tucson, so he could be more closely monitored and cared for because he is very sick. We appreciate all the prayers and love that have been showered upon us as we are hoping and praying for the best. Chad is caring for little Josh. The kids are not able to go into the intensive care unit but were able to hug their mom. Diana was discharged from St. Joseph's and immediately went to little Joshua's side. She is singing more than just lullabies to this little guy.

Piano Man

I have to chuckle because my husband has seriously worn off on my children. After forcing the kids to listen to Billy Joel while cleaning the house Saturday morning, my children have all decided that they really like him.

Every day for the past week we get in the car and the Ipod is immediately set to "Piano Man." (The first song on the play list.) Even Joey is belting out the classic tune as we drive down the street. Now don't get me wrong, I really like Billy Joel, but after the 500th time listening to it, I am actually starting to miss the radio.

I guess the moral of the story is, expose your children to different types of music, but be careful about choosing your artists one at a time.

Sara's 9th Birthday

Having your birthday on May 31st means that once in awhile your special day also happens to be Memorial Day. This was one of those years, which gratefully meant that Chad had the day off. Not typical for him, since doctors work holidays, but things worked out and he stayed home.


For Sara's Birthday we had given her the option of either having a party or inviting one friend over to spend the night and collecting $100. Considering the cost of throwing a party, (invitations, food, decorations, games, pinata, party bags, etc.) I felt like this was a fair trade. She chose to have her friend Alisa over.


After eating homemade pizza and opening presents, we proceeded to the cake.


Sara wanted a multi-layered cake (chocolate and white not marble) with candy bars on top. Chad thought that for fun he might try and light a milky way bar. It didn't work.


We also had our cousins, Aubrey, Anna, and Matt come over for cake.



After stuffing our faces we headed over to Peter Piper Pizza to play video games. The Peter Piper Pizza near our house isn't that big, but the kids still had a great time.



By the time we arrived home, the boys were exhausted but the girls had plans to stay up all night. Lucky for me they crashed by 11pm but were up at 4am in the morning. I didn't get out of bed until 5:30 when Rebecca fell down the stairs, but needless to say they had an early start.

Happy Birthday Sara. I hope your special day was everything you hoped for. And a special thank you to Alisa and Grandma who adequately supplied Sara with Zuhzuh pets. I have refused to buy the rolling fuzz balls, but they are definitely better then real hamsters. They don't eat, poop, or stink up my house, so its a win, win Right?!! Did I mention they make hamster-like sounds and Sara now has three of them? Ohhh the joys.