And up and up and up. . . .

Yesterday I went with my daughter Sara and two of her friends to go see the movie, "the Giver."  Sara had wanted me to read the book for years and with the movie finally coming out, I committed myself to reading.  Not only did I love the story but I was equally impressed by the movie.  If you don't know anything about the story line, imagine a world without agency.  If you believe in the plan of salvation, it would be in essence Satan's plan.  In the story, there is one person who retains memories of life when people had the ability to choose and experience things.  That man, "the giver," shares his memories with a boy named Jonas who was chosen to be his predecessor.  

Sometimes I think about my life and all the challenges that I have experienced over the last 4 years.  For the most part, I try to focus on the blessings, but in all honesty, these last 4 years have been much like a never ending uphill climb.  This story (the giver), amongst other things, has reminded me that life really is good. My mom used to tell me that I deserved to have things a little easier, or to have them workout smoothly for awhile, but the one thing I've learned about personal growth is that we can't go back to easy when we've already begun to experience the hard. 

In many regards personal growth is a lot like our temporal education continually building upon things learned in previous years.  So I wanted to report on some of my own personal progress, and why I know that even the hard things in life are worth experiencing. 

I lost my one week old baby after complications that arose during delivery:  I now not only empathize with those who have lost a loved one, I feel their pain in the months and years that follow the experience. 

I was diagnosed with graves disease and for the first time began to really struggle with the ability to loose weight.  I had just lost a baby and was then placed on medicine that made it virtually impossible to loose even an extra pound of baby weight.  When the disease went into remission, I immediately wanted to try and have another baby and within a month was pregnant.  Repeating the process of pregnancy and re-diagnoses, I have a greater appreciation for those who struggle with weight loss.  I know how hard it is to have a body that doesn't work right and what it feels like to exercise and eat right and not loose a single pound. 

I have had 3 families live with us for extended periods of time.  This process has helped me to  appreciate all that God has blessed us with.  I believe that all we have is a gift, and how we use what we are given is part of our stewardship. 

Going through pregnancy at 35 after loosing a child was not only physically but emotionally difficult.  I now have an appreciation for all of the women out there who have to take Zofran every 8 hours just to function, not feel better.  I know what it is like to worry every day about the outcome of your pregnancy and how it feels to hold a baby you've worked so hard and long for.  I will never take for granted the miracle of creation. 

I have watched a child suffer with major health issues and know what it feels like to be stressed beyond reason.  I have felt myself go over the edge with grief and fear.  I have prayed for answers that took years to come.  I know what depression is.  And I understand the longing for relief from pain. 

I have learned just how much my Heavenly Father has increased my own physical capacity through the years as I have gone through two years of stress related illness.  For someone who used to never get sick and now struggles with stomach issues and constant boughts of nausea, it can be somewhat overwhelming.  I have a hard time not being able to function and do a million different things all at once.  Slowing down and learning how to take care of myself and heal, has been a process. 

Most recently when I was diagnosed with a small skin cancer I began to fear that the one disease I would give anything and do anything to avoid could very possibly be in my future.  When I began treatment and as I eventually watched my body miraculously heal, I gained a profound appreciation for all who constantly battle an illness they have no control over and would do anything to avoid. 

So what have I learned. . . I've learned loss, pain, suffering, sickness, depression responsibility and despair.

But. . . I have also learned what it feels like to commune with heaven and be surrounded by love.  I have learned hope, and faith, and love, and why it all matters.  I know I am not alone.  I know God is real and that he hears and answers our prayers.  I know that people ALL people, are loved by a Father in heaven who hurts when they hurt and who loves when they think the world has forsaken them. 

This life is about Experiencing, not just Existing and about Becoming and not just Being.  I hope that one day I will be strong enough to overcome the challenges of this world and Become all that God has intended for me to be.